Falling out of a dream.

It happened quickly; unusually maybe that’s why it was called Falling into love!!! The day before you were not in love, the world was different. The next day it was different and everything changed swiftly. You notice the small hairs sprouting out, the perfect matching shirt for your trousers, fitting of your suit.  For the first time in your life you will notice that black dot near to your eyes and how smooth is your skin when shaved.

You will walk away through the crowded city center behind her, feeling the breeze on her untied hair. You will enjoy everything around the world.  How it can be so beautiful, you think. When she looks at you,  you have lovely butterflies tickling your stomach and a shiver running down from your tip to toe enveloping your smiles.  You forget the language you've known from your childhood. You will become the small Kindergarten guy standing in front of that beautiful miss. You will talk unplanned things and you will forget the prepared speech. Before you know, you will feel like you've known her all your life. You know the way she breathes in her sleep, the brown strands of hair that always falls on her face by the table fan breeze, the way she rests her head over her arms crossed when asleep , the way her lips wets in happiness. You start to take her ride home for granted. You no longer notice the way your fingers naturally touches her belly when you sit together.  How she fits inside your arms around her shoulders. . It’s usual, likely, ordinary even, like the act of brushing your teeth. You believe loving someone simply exists and all you do- like anyone else- is natural.

But falling out of love is the hardest part- the worst reaction, with a rock star style. One day, she’s sleeping next to you, and the next day, you see her quarreling at you for something unimportant, one that you did not pick out. One day, she’s in the park with her arms on yours, telling you about your first kid and the next day, she’s speaking about the incompatibility between you and her.  One day, she is walking beside you with her hair strands on your face, telling about the place to visit after marriage, the next day she will talk about her wedding date fixed with another guy. And she will tell you of the sari she picked out for her wedding.

When you are back to your room, your own life, you will notice, your shirt will no longer smells like her, your bed sheets no longer know her, your pillow will never ever be shared with her. You’re missing the fragrance in your life. You feel empty even when nothing else is changed. You try to fall out of it- just like she did- but you can’t find a way to climb out of the ditch you've landed in. You try, fail and give up, without realizing that getting out of there is normal, that it will happen naturally. Like the way you grew out of pampers and become a man.

You’re a victim, kidnapped by a dream and destroyed by selfishness. Instead of running away from her, you love more and more. You will mourn about your lose.  Your room smells of the vomit and mixed drinks. You will feel her touch as the water hits every inch of your body in the shower. You will turn back for a most wanted lip lock. The empty bathroom will shatter you. In a month, you will wake up one day and realize about the years of real beautiful world you missed. In a month, you will call your friends again and plan for outings. You forget that falling out of love mission and it happens naturally. Then she will become just a smile on the corners of your lips during a cocktail party. Then you will realize you loved simply because you don’t know what else to do.

കൈതോല പായ വിരിച്ചു.....

പാതി മയക്കം കഴിഞ്ഞു എഴുന്നേറ്റപ്പോള്‍  കണ്ണിന്റെ അടിയില്‍ നനവ്‌ ചാല്  തീര്‍ത്തിരുന്നു... ചിരിയാണ് വന്നത്... ഉറങ്ങുമ്പോള്‍ പോലും കരയാന്‍ വിധിയുള്ള പെണ്ണ്, മന്ദബുദ്ധി... കട്ടിലില്‍ നിന്ന് എഴുനെറ്റു  പതിയെ പുറത്തേക്കു ജനല്‍ തുറന്നു... 

 എവ്ടെന്നോ ഒരു മൂളി പാട്ട്  ചുണ്ടില്‍.........

" കൈതോല പായ വിരിച്ചു... പായേല് നിറ  പട്ടു പുതച്ചു.. എപ്പോ വരും കാത്തു കുത്താന്‍ നിന്റെ ആങ്ങളമാര് പോന്നോ .. "

ഒരു മഴയോരുക്കത്തിനു എന്നോണം ആര്‍ത്ത്  ഉലച്ചു  ഒരു ഭ്രാന്തന്‍ കാറ്റു വീശുന്നു ....  

പാട്ട് മൂളി പതിയെ ഞാന്‍ തലയിണ പൊക്കി ചാരി കിടന്നു... ഈ  പാട്ട് മൂളുമ്പോള്‍  അറിയാതെ നിന്നെ ഞാന്‍ ഓര്‍ത്തു പോകും... അവസാനമായി നിന്റെ മുഖം കയ്യിലെടുത്തു കണ്ണിലേക്കു നോക്കി ഞാന്‍ പാടിയ പാട്ട്.. ചങ്കു പിടയ്ക്കുന്നു... 

കൈ പതിയെ നീട്ടി പരതി  നോക്കി, ഇവ്ടെങ്ങാനും ഉണ്ടോ?? ഇല്ല..

ഒരിക്കലും ഉണ്ടായിട്ടില്ല... ഒന്ന് എന്നെ മുഖം ഉയര്‍ത്തി നോക്കിയിരുന്നെങ്കില്‍ എന്ന് ആഗ്രഹിച്ച ഒരു സമയത്തും നീ നോക്കിയിട്ടില്ല... നീ അങ്ങനെ ആയിരുന്നു  സ്നേഹം കാണിക്കത്തവന്‍...., ............ സ്നേഹം കാണിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ എന്നെ കളിയാക്കുന്നവന്‍.. വളര്‍ത്തു ദോഷം ആണ് എന്ന് പറയുന്നവന്‍...  കൈ പിടിച്ചു    

നടക്കുവാന്‍ പോലും സമ്മതിക്കത്തവന്‍ .... പക്ഷെ ലോകം നിശബ്ദം ആയിരിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ എന്നെ ഉണര്‍ത്തി കാട്ടിലും പടര്പ്പിലും ഉള്ള മഞ്ഞുത്തുള്ളികള്‍ കാട്ടി തന്നവന്‍.. .....

പടിയിറങ്ങി  പോരുമ്പോള്‍ ഇനി തിരിച്ചു ഇല്ല എന്നുറപ്പ് വരുത്തിയിരുന്നു... പോകാന്‍ പാടില്ല.. അപുറത്തു നില്‍ക്കുന്ന നിന്റെ മനസ്സും അതാഗ്രഹിച്ചിരുന്നു... ഒരു കീറ്റ് ഇലയും ചൂടി ആ പടിയിറങ്ങുമ്പോള്‍ നീര് വെച്ച് വീര്‍ത്ത കാലുകള്‍ വിറയ്ക്കുന്നുണ്ടായിരുന്നു...

 പെണ്ണല്ലേ .... പിന്നില്‍ വന്നു ഒന്ന് വിളിച്ചിരുന്നെങ്കില്‍ എന്ന് ആഗ്രഹിച്ചു പോകും... എവിടെ.... ആണല്ലേ അപുറത്തു ജന്മം... പോയി തുലയട്ടെ എന്നും വിചാരിചിരികും... 

ചങ്കു പൊള്ളി പുറത്തേക്കു ഒഴുകുന്ന ഈ കണ്ണ് നീര് മാത്രം ഇപോ ബാക്കി ... നീയില്ല, ഞാനില്ല, നമ്മളും ഇല്ല... ഇപ്പോള്‍ അവനും 

അവളും മാത്രം.... അവനിങ്ങനെ ആയിരുന്നു.. അതവന്റെ തെറ്റ്... അവളിതയിരുന്നു.. അതവളുടെ തെറ്റ്... 

സുഖകരമായ കുളിര്‍കാറ്റു അവിരാമം വീശിയ ഉദ്യാനം ഒന്നും ആയിരുന്നില്ല ഞാനും നീയും തീര്‍ത്തത്... പക്ഷെ അത് ഞാനും നീീയും ആയിരുന്നു.. നമ്മള്‍ ആയിരുന്നു... ഭൂമിയിലെ സകല നിയമങ്ങളും മറന്ന, മറക്കാന്‍ ഇഷ്ടപെട്ട രണ്ടു മനുഷ്യര്‍..........

'' കൈതോല പായ വിരിച്ചു... പായേല് നിറ പട്ടു പുതച്ചു.. എപ്പോ വരും കാത്തു കുത്താന്‍ നിന്റെ ആങ്ങളമാര് പൊന്നോ ... എപ്പോ വരും കാത്തു കുത്താന്‍ നിന്റെ ആങ്ങളമാര് പൊന്നോ .... 

ഞാന്‍ പതിയെ  ചിരിച്ചു... ഉപ്പുരസം ചുണ്ടില്.... എനിക്ക് പണ്ടേ വട്ടാണല്ലോ... 

ചില കാര്യങ്ങള്‍ ഇങ്ങനെ ആണ്... അത് അതാതു  നിമിഷങ്ങളില്‍ ജനിക്കുന്നു.. വേഷങ്ങള്‍ ആടി തിമര്‍ക്കുന്നു.. ഇനിയുള്ളതെന്തോ ... അറിയില്ല.. 

എന്റെ കണ്‍ കോണിലെ തുള്ളി പതിയെ ഞാന്‍ കൈ കൊണ്ട് തുടച്ചു മാറ്റി.... ഉറങ്ങട്ടെ... 

ps:  ചില നേരം ഉള്ളിലുള്ളത് എഴുതുവാന്‍ വാക്കുകള്‍ പോരാതെ വരും.. ഏതോ.. പാതയോരത്ത് ഞാന്‍ മറന്നു വെച്ച ഒരു സ്വപ്നം ഇതിലുണ്ട് ... എന്നെ അറിയുന്നവര്‍ക്കു അത് മനസിലായിട്ടും ഉണ്ടാകും.. 

Memories of midnight!!

Then, in the reflection of that dirty glass remains everything that truly matters… True loves reunited.. The Appy Fizz and Bacardi!!!

ROMANTIC!! Everything seems so romantic, haha... I am high!! The night seems to be too ordinary to suit my enjoyment and I would need wings to visit that fairy world in a blink.  

I actually don’t think that these words are the beginning of a masterpiece, but I really wanted to write words so passionate that they would reflect my mood…

There are 7 billion people in this world and today, I feel it is only Me, paru, shithu and sree... This world is silent, waiting for us to speak, to lead us on. There is no one here, looking to see whether we are behaving or sitting properly. Only we are here, looking out and looking in at once.

And I am with these crazy bees on this weekend winter night with my feet on the poor figo hand break rests, watching the blurry fogy Trivandrum nights while Roshith is driving, sipping and savoring the spicy chasers with always high paarukuty  on the side.  When shithu drives sitting in front of me, my smiling face on the rear view mirror would wink. I can feel his heart beats a little slower and his fist, a bit looser as the music changes from Syamambaram to muthuchippi poloru… Haha.. Bloody malayali.. “Turn left here,” sree sometimes say but that would be all… The lovely guy with six feet nothing….  And this night I again feel that teenage suffocation, I’ll climb out shithus child locked window, like in those suburban movies with shitty dialogues…We’d drive around our suburban neighborhood, emptying the fizzy-glass bottles into our throats and making red stop signs kiss the floor…

The Silent Night... Holy Night… 

Scar!!

All she could see is the scars where her wings once were!! Someone has chopped it in the midst of her last sleep!!

The unusual dream made me up from sleep... I searched for the wings... Blood all over…

Oops!!! My bed sheet was red!! I rushed to my dressing table and pulled my drawer...

The bright green cover of the sanitary napkin was empty.

I took my mobile and texted him ‘’Dear, I am not preggy, Good night’’  

I went to my bathroom and neatly tied a big knot in my never-flattening stomach, thinking it will stop the blood rush... I slowly closed my eyes. That was all I could move.

Wishing upon a broken star

Before, before teaching myself to forget your voice, I wanted to believe in its power again, like I used to; but I have seen how hollow promises can be, how cruel mere sounds can be.

I want to ask you, who you are to me with all the sincerity in the world. I want to listen to you and trust you as though you and I are still in love and unbreakable. As though trust is the most precious pearl and you are the strongest oyster in the world and you are carrying it for me and you have gifted it to me. I want to hear from you, Girl you are the most valuable gift that I ever had.

You know, when I wake up each morning I think of you, but I am still strong and I am standing in front of you with that adamant faith that I’m doing everything right. I once believed, I’m unbreakable only because you are protecting me, but no dear, you have never held me close... You had your own inhibitions and in all those slips you made me stand alone. You have taught me that I don’t need you in my life to sustain.

I always had dreams about us. We will go and sit in the beach after work, watching the great evening sea... I will run to the waves and back... My feet will sink deep into the sand as the water speeds past me and back, you will come near me holding me tight as if no tide can touch your girl when you are around... You will pull me further and further into you- with your touch, you will give me that stolen kiss in the beach, you will love me as if you don’t need the strength of those four walls around to love you girl... You will dive deep inside me. We will melt together in so many ways that I forget to concentrate on the world around...

You will put your arms around my shoulders and I feel I am yours. I’m standing on the top of that golden castle which has only a door that only opens to your whistle.  My heart will write fairy tales in the air in which you are the prince and I am the princess...

We will make this world of ours beautiful. And looking into your eyes I will say with the innocence of a three year old girl- “I love you.” Then, you- my reflection- would smile at me with all the same sincerity and will give me the world’s warmest hug ever. You will hold my shoulders tightly and will take my chin up with your right hand. You will wipe my tear with your hand saying, never cry again for me my dear...That’s when I’d realize that you have loved me, and always will...

But fairy tales are never true; they will always remain as dreams of that small girl who wishes upon a broken star that once a handsome prince will come riding a unicorn to give her a kiss and she will become the princess of his province. 

Thoughts!!

Last day I was watching the movie, 500 days of summer!! This being the 3^rd time in this week I am watching it… I think about those days we started dating, when we sat at the marry brown chicken restaurant, The all lit up beautiful Kanakakunnu Palace, the beautifully paved walk ways of summer palace.. I have always wished for a position, your knees behind my back, your fingers running through my curls and my fingers caressing your ankles, smiling innocently, that no one noticed. (Sad that it never happened). I have always longed for that sms saying, I miss you, which never came.. I used to check my phone every now and then to see if there is something of yours.. 

I think about checking my phone during my lunches, and seeing a surprise message, saying, "Dear come out, V will lunch together." And I'd run as soon as I see this, rush to the bathroom, set my hair, and you'd be waiting out at the Technopark gate, waiting impatiently with your gaming iPod and as soon as you see me you'd take my bag and drive us to the best restaurant nearby to have the ‘Dish of the day’.  And sad, it had never happened…

I remember about you, waking up earlier than me and watching me sleep and when I woke up and asked, "What?" you said nothing ‘sleep’. I wished you ever told me ‘I love you’. I know you have loved me…. But I was not sure you did it... Or I always had a feeling you never did it properly.

But I don’t know, if I could ever dare to settle for anything less than what you gave me. Because I can’t still believe you haven’t cared for me properly!!

Paranoia...

          

            The voice over the phone was getting louder. She remembered that day when he had told her to not fear and that nothing would happen. He would take care of her. No, the words dint sound hollow to her ears, already deafening by the noises outside. In her mind, she couldn’t feel the falsity of those words; but now his tone seemed to tease her. Trap, a clever cornering. She knew and did not understand. Saw and did not look. This was normalcy. Her head began to spin.

            His voice was getting even louder. He was screaming beyond control. She shrunk below her blanket and with shivering hands, opened her wooden wardrobe. In the dark corner of the room, there were stripes of fluorescence. There was anger in his words and a quest for revenge. “Burn her!” She dropped her phone. The walls of the room seemed to collapse on her; the weight of the ceiling was on her shoulders and the edges of her bed encircled her- another layer of traps. With a trembling hand, she reached for the blade. Night fell and rose. The Sun’s yellow rays sparkled on the white walls, a few fell on her face and the others seemed to wipe the shining cover of the dark night scare. As the chilling breeze swept into the room, the pages of her yellow diary slowly flipped. His words on the gifted photo frame hanged on the wall were written in bright ink- “for the girl who never stops fighting.” The pool of blood beneath her wrist reflected the light most.

              “It was a case of the nerves,” the old bearded man in a white coat was telling her parents. Her mother’s tears ran down to her lips and made designs with the edges of her dry lips. The girl wanted to laugh but couldn’t open her mouth. Her father remained silent, lost, as though he doesn’t know exactly what to do. His trembling hand on her arm gave him away. She closed her eyes. That was all she could move.

               The boy came with a bunch of red flowers to visit her at the hospital. She could see the evil smile on his sad seemed face. “What did I do to you?” she screamed. “What did I do to you?” She felt like the red flowers in his arms were poisoned… She was afraid he came to bury her alive.

              ”What should we do now, doctor?” her mother’s voice seemed dry and cracked.  ”Take her to a good psychiatrist. I have a few hospitals to recommend. And I’d suggest taking her back home and get her some rest.” the doctor’s voice filled the room.  The words bounced hitting the wall performing acrobatics in the air… Psychiatric evaluation, brain therapy, paranoia…